Numb?

Written by: kamasheto

Dear Diary,

I’ve only started to notice my habits lately. That’s strange given I’ve been around for the past 21 years. Well yeah, almost 20 of them I’ve been careless about almost everything but still, I should have noticed the habits a good while ago? Technically I’ll only be addressing a newly discovered habit so that isn’t entirely correct, but anyway.

The very most habit that is really getting on my nerves is (and the one I’ll be addressing in this post) is as the title says, being numb. I do have a few reasons I can blame that on but I’m not sure which, if any aslan. Like for example I don’t have a life any more. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a very strict manner. I stopped interacting with people on a friendship level or at least stopped letting anybody close enough — the ones already there are making a mess out of it (and are eventually going to be kicked out) or are getting themselves busy with things more important (which I tend to do myself anyway.) To be honest I’ve tried on several occasions to open up to a few (oldies) about more personal issues but it just doesn’t feel.. right? I don’t know. It’s just not the same being personal any more.

Another reason could be because I am completely covered with work. I’m currently working on two major projects and to keep me even busier I’ve enrolled myself in a third (long term based) project. Not that I hate it or that I’m not qualified, because I don’t and I am qualified. I love working all the time. In fact, I’ve worked on 5 projects during just the summer vacation to keep me learning all the time — for example I’ve built applications based entirely on AJAX (the new intranet, whilst I’m at it, I really think whoever wants to learn AJAX should first master a server-side programming language before using AJAX — saves a lot of time, pain, and misery.) And I’m qualified — I’m working on all 3 projects now on a steady basis and I’ve faced no problems whatsoever either implementing them or searching for the proper implementation. If too much work is it then it must be that I’ve been exposed to just TOO MUCH analysis, development (and by that I mean working out things before actually coding), and the code itself. I’ve had to re-think several procedures (and functionalities) to meet client’s standards and that takes too much time and, unfortunately, motivation.

Another possible reason could be that I, for some odd reason, stopped having fun (and I really think this is the real reason for me being numb.) And it’s not because of the lack of any social life — because I was used to having a good time with anyone and everyone around not just my close friends. I’ve become this really strict person that accepts (and responds to) very little to no jokes, interacts with people as if he’s talking with a co-worker, and most importantly, as much as I like this as much as I think it’s really holding me back, but I’m getting used to thinking everything I do very carefully before doing it.

Heh, for all its worth, the last time I felt completely satisfied, happy, and alive was, ironically, a long while ago and.. in my dreams. Perhaps that’s where the old live me shall always stay? I’ll just have to wait and see.

Side note: is being numb considered a habit? o.O